Every week I give you an appointment to answer your questions. After a question about hardcore porn and its audience, then about sexual dysfunctions, we’ll speak today about a “simple” problem ” and that is quite common because it’s in my opinion specific to any type of relationship: the feeling of inequality in pleasure and the lack of communication. How does one tells its partner that one needs more?
” Hello Madam,
It may be a bit embarrassing but my wife is very inquisitive about sex and I really want to please her. I do my best but I’d like to do better. And in return I have the impression that she doesn’t do the same. I don’t have the right to get a lot of oral sex from her for example. While she loves when I do it to her. (Can you by chance give me some tips to improve myself?)
Thank you , sincerely,
Thank you for your message. Don’t worry, it doesn’t seem to be any major problem in your couple and your sexuality. Obviously, I refer to what you’re telling me; in order to be fully acquainted with a situation it’s useful to know the point of view of the two people involved in the relationship because most of the times, the problems are more a question of chemistry and perception, and there are often misunderstandings. One might think that over time a couple is more symbiotic, freer and open to discussions, but it’s not always like that. Frustrations, non-said things accumulate and one comes to renounce or to say to oneself: “It’s ok it will pass … or: it will come back with time.” Well, that’ s not always the case.
As far as you are concerned, the issue is that you don’t judge the relationship as fair when it comes to pleasure, there’s a kind of injustice . One thing is sure, you’re willing to please your wife and that’s great, but you’re also absolutely right to think of you and your own pleasure . The question is not about having an equal time of foreplay for each one, but that each one feels satisfied , and each one has the right to express different desires. I now have a question for you: Did you talk to her ? Did you express your desire? Communication and trust are the foundation of a relationship. It isn’t not about expressing your request through reproaches or complaints, but about encouraging her to give you more, to be more generous. When one communicates through frustration, the other can perceive it in wrong way and start to get defensive. This is why it’s better to communicate with a positive language, to focus on the desire to share something together, rather than what creates a distance.
Concretely, here how you can eventually proceed: you wait for both of you to be together, in a quiet and relaxing moment and then you can talk to her : “Honey, you know how much I enjoy making love with you, how much I take pleasure in pleasuring you … I give you some pleasure right? (Yes, take the opportunity to ask if she’s satisfied!) … Well, it will turn me on so much if you could give me a little more time to take care of me. It’s so good when you do it … “Or you can also to talk about it while having sex,” in the heat of the action” and you can start a little game: take care of her, focus on her pleasure, but when she seems to be close from reaching orgasm, you stop right way and smile to her or talk next to her ear: “I’m ready to give you more, so much more, but I want to play … and now it’s your turn …” and what about doing a 69? That’s the position of equality par excellence!
Regarding the techniques to give her more pleasure, I also encourage you to ask her directly what she likes, she’s the one who knows how you can please her. There are of course some basic techniques , but each woman is different. Here also, make it into a game: ask her to guide you during the act, talk to her, look at each other. Be attentive to the rhythm of her breathing, the contraction of her muscles, the arch of her back…her whole body speaks, it’s up to you to read it ….
I hope that these few words will allow you to restore this imbalance, don’t hesitate to post other questions here or to let me know if the situation has evolved in your couple!