Last week I answered to a young reader who expressed her concern about her guilty pleasure watching hardcore porn videos. Today, I chose to answer Seb, who raises the question of erection problems (to the other readers who sent me their questions; please be a little patient, I will also answer you later). The issue of erectile dysfunctions has already been approched on this blog, in the article dedicated to porn actors and how they get/maintain their erection. But since this section has the intention to adapt itself to the situations of each reader, we will therefore approach the subject more precisely through the question of Seb.
Hello Céline 🙂
I’d like to expose a question that I ask myself, and, falling on your blog (by pure coincidence .. :)) I thought :” Let’s see what she thinks about it.” I’ve been watching porn for a while since the time when it was necessary that your parent’s buddy had a video recorder and the channel Canal Plus… it seems so far away now! : / I remember the first adult movie that I was discovered, it was “Ice woman”.
Let’s get to the point …. 1: I find you so beautiful in the scenes, photos etc. Everything, the look, outfits, makeup, and everything else that goes with it. I have the feeling that sometimes it’s almost art. The angle of the camera is right where it’s necessary to be (for me) 2 : Not a long time ago I found myself with a woman with whom I’d already had sex and…. Boom! Nothing. No erection at all. Inwardly I felt desperate. Then the brain starts repeating itself : why, why, why…. And one of the answers that crossed my mind was that it was maybe because of my habit to see you and the other porn actresses, so beautiful. Maybe this is what my brain would like to have…. I worry about it …
It makes me smile when you remind me of Canal Plus and video tapes 😉 The fact that adult content was then less accessible, made pornography more attractive and probably more flavorful. It is not only the content, but the way we access to it that is exciting. Nowadays there’s a phenomenon of generalized saturation because one finds everything, everywhere, at any time and for free. In my opinion, the viewer’s pleasure also lies in being a voyeur and to attend something he “is not supposed to” see. Nevertheless, no one is obliged to consume in high doses. As I said in my previous article, it’s also about finding a form of balance so that what is virtual doesn’t vampirise what is real.
Indulgence with onself and the other
To come back to your experience: When one experiments an erection problem, a drop in libido or a sensation of anesthesia (sometimes sensations are not there even if there’s a lot of desire, for men as for women), it’s easy to worry. Is it normal? Is it alarming ? Am I becoming impotent? Does it mean I’m not in love anymore? Does it mean he/she doesn’t want me anymore? What’s wrong with me?
Sexuality affects intimacy, this is why it has right away some repercussions on self-confidence. So, in case of an erection problem, who is guilty? There may be many reasons for this moment of solitude. The causes can be physical, psychological, and due to the context, one’s personal history. An accumulation of stress, the use of drugs for relaxation for exemple, or painkillers, too much alcohol, concerns, too little sleep, migraines ( yes, this argument is also valid I promise you!), diabetes, hormonal dysregulation, poor blood circulation…. In short, the option of causes can be numerous. You must know that adult male performers can also have this kind of issue and they face a lot of anxiety, but of course the interest of an adult movie is not to show the flaws and weakness, but on the contrary, what reflects a form of sexual vitality. The performance is thus valued, as in an action film we focus on the musculature and physical strength of the actors. But in the other hand, in “real life”, why impose this necessity of performance?
Let’s give ourselves and others a little patience and indulgence.
The construction of desire
To feed your mind and to masturbate with porn might also have its influence. Now, from what you say, these videos and the women who performed there, seem to have a big impact on your sexuality. If you use it to simulate your libido, why not, but be careful, porn is not supposed to become a substitute. You don’t live in a prison environment, you have the opportunity to live fully your sexuality, a sexuality made of flesh, flirts, sensations, and possibly feelings. So I invite you to ask yourself these questions: 1) Is watching porn movies a need? Is this your only stimulus and cause of excitement? 2) What are your fantasies? I am not talking about crazy things but about what awakens desire in you. Ask yourself what turns you on. For example, what do you like about women in general and, more precisely, in your partner? This leads us to the 3rd point which is not the least. What’s the quality of your relationship with her?
We’re not going to talk about love which is an other topic; love isn’t necessarily linked to desire. One can love someone without wanting to sleep with, one can be very much in love and also know some issues. A couple’s life has its own “ups and down”s, nothing is perfectly settled but
It’s also the beauty of a relationship ; one develops and renews it on a daily basis.
The desire to share
Concerning the woman with whom you experienced this issue, how do you consider her? When you have sex with her: 1) – Is she for you a substitute for porn actresses? (In this case, the risk of frustration is great, not that porn stars aren’t clearly always better in bed than the other women, but to remain “locked” in an ideal is a good way to face disappointment.) 2) Do you really care for her? You seem very sensitive to what you see, to the physical part, to a form of aesthetics but don’t forget that ”
To have a sexual relationship, is precisely to have a relationship, namely, an exchange.
Your partner is not a stripper who will start a choreography to show herself from all angles and she will not necessarily be dressed with a mini dress, sexy lingerie, heavy make-up and eyelashes. She’s “just” a woman….as you’re “just” a man. If you really want to feel something, it’s important that you’re connected to your body, your five senses, and that you’re connect to hers. Feel her, smell her, look at her, touch her, taste her… Whether there is love or not, there are two essential keys to be aroused and experience orgasm: to listen to oneself and to the other. Be generous. By concentrating on your partner and her pleasure, by making her pleasure a stimulus, your brain will no longer have to ask himself any questions, or to worry about its memories of porn images. These images, use them when you’re alone, but when you’re with her, be present 100%. Now, one last option may also be that you just don’t want to share so much with her. The chemistry was maybe good at the start but it lost in intensity. You’re the only one to have the answer.
I hope that my answer will be helpful. In any case, no panic. One bad experience doesn’t necessarily mean there is a malfunction. A woman can also be very excited and be herself surprised to not be “wet”. We don’t control everything!
I’ll finish this post by adding one thing that’s to me always good to be repeated. Being a porn actress is a job, not a condition. When the video camera is off, these women find their privacy back
There are as many sexualities as there are individuals.
Their job makes them expose an unbridled sexuality, but in their private life they don’t all necessarily want to have sex everyday, to have intercourses for more than 1h, to wear garter belts, to receive or give slaps and to practice all the existing sexual positions. Yes, it’s absolutely possible for a woman to reach an orgasm on a porn set but it doesn’t make this sexuality the only reference. Every person is different, every relationship, every moment. There is no” turnkey sexuality”. Voilà…. I encourage you to explore, to experiment and to enjoy as much as you can. To watch is good, but to feel is even better!